Fieldwork!

I'm writing to you (for the first time in a LONG time… yeah, sorry) from a hospital room where I'm staying for the week.  Got your attention, didn't I?  I'm not sick, but in a curious - yet awesome - agreement with my first Fieldwork I site, I'm allowed to stay for free in a nearby hospital.  I get my own room with half bath (and a shared shower room down the hall), a movable bed, and 2 tvs.  Apparently they have students here often, though at the moment I'm the only one.  Very quiet.  Weird and kinda cool at the same time. 

I'll try to keep this short; you'll see why once I finish. 

Anyway, I'm making the effort again to blog.  This week I'm in Waterloo, IA for my first week of Fieldwork.  It's been SO COOL and I can't wait for tomorrow.   I got to see and feel a subluxed shoulder, a few stroke patients, one guy with a traumatic brain injury (and no bone on the front part of his head, yet he didn't want to wear his helmet), one guy who has burns over probably 80% of his body, and a woman who just got discharged after necrotizing fasciitis ate most of the flesh off her thighs, buttocks, and abdomen.  One guy had what's called "left neglect," meaning he was completely unaware of anything on the left side of his body… not even his own left arm and leg.  Some cool gadgets were the Dynavision (pretty lights that help you work on attention and vision), BioNess (electrodes that make your hand move!), and a biofeedback machine (it tells you when your muscles relax and helps prevent tension headaches).  I had to reign in my enthusiasm, of course.  These are real people going through incredibly traumatic, painful, and challenging experiences; I can't exactly stare at their wounds and say "That's so fascinating!" without their thinking that I'm a little off.   Still cool.

I didn't have a white coat, but I pretty much spent the whole day hovering behind the OT I was observing.

School is still just as busy and impossible, though getting better.  Weight loss has kind of stalled.  I'm not happy, but it could be worse.  I also kind of expected this.

On that note, I think I've decided to stop paying for weight watchers monthly pass, at least for a while.  I'm going to trade in my $40 a month that goes toward WW and funnel it into a $30 a month gym membership.  I can use the medical school "gym" for free, but it's tiny and always seems to have a lot of other students.  It’s awkward, and at this early stage I kind of need that anonymity.  Plus St. Louis Workout is less than a block from my flat.  That way I might actually use it!

It's up to me, my friends, and you, Dear Reader, to keep me in check.  Accountability! 

As for this moment, I'm headed to the wellness center the hospital has been kind enough to let me use!

Back again

Happy birthday to me...

Yeah, it's my birthday.  Yes, I'm still overwhelmed with school.  Don't get me started - I could procrastinate on my homework even more by spending hours describing just how much homework I have.  Endless classes, way too many readings, required activities, meetings, required volunteering.... ugh. 

So today instead of hunkering down in my corner and spending my whole birthday reading about Meaning and Occupation or writing a paper about being client-centered, I went to the Catholic Student Center's Grad School Day of Reflection.  It was basically a mini-retreat focused on surviving and staying sane (and staying grounded in your faith) in grad school.  It was a very good decision for my mental health, especially because it taught us one of the keys to being generally more happy: gratitude.  If we only look at and expect the negative, that is all we will see or remember.  For example, I was all annoyed this week because I was mindless enough to leave my nice, new, expensive, CamelBack WashU water bottle on my bike, and some idiot stole it.  In a weird gesture, s/he also left a (very crappy) water bottle in its place on my bike. 

Today's reflections made me remember a lot of positive things and a lot of things I'm very grateful for, especially for the opportunity to be where I am and for the people in my life.  I get to go to (albeit, extremely demanding) classes about Occupational Therapy.  My most stressful experience, studying for a big test, is truly no more than sitting in a air conditioned room and reading about something I profess to like.  I have a fun roommate Amy who puts up with my quirks, and a wonderful new friend Julie who likes to go on walks with me and who took me out to dinner tonight.  I have loving parents who sent me things today and called me to tell me they love me.  I have a Fairy Godmother (no joke - there is no return address and no signature except "Fairy Godmother"!) out there who loves me and occasionally sends me cute little notes (and a birthday card). 

So yeah, thanks.  :-)

The big 5-0

Yes, you read that right.

I've done it. I made it to

FIFTY!

In other news, I'm absolutely and completely overwhelmed with school.  But I don't care right now - I lost 50 pounds!

Go me!  That is all.

I'm back!

Well, ok, "back" as in back in St. Louis. I spent five days at my mom's and two days traveling, so I'm not "back" for the weight loss part... yet.... I'm avoiding the scale.  (for now). 

More posts to come soon!

Meditations

Oh boy, what have I gotten myself into?

Earlier this week and last week I tried something new.  I went to a Dharma (Buddhist-zen-Meta-something-like-that) meditation session.  I was reluctant but willing to be open to a new experience.  We heard a few words of wisdom and guidance from Buddha and then sat in silence for a whole 40 minutes, focusing on our breathing and the present moment. 

I'm not very good at it (thoughts wandering, body itching to fidget, both legs falling so utterly asleep that I could neither feel nor move them), but the minutes flew by and I actually found myself kind of enjoying the experience.  Then later in the week was the Meta (correct my spelling if I'm wrong) meditation, a more focused exercise basically with the goal of cultivating in oneself a more harmonious, peaceful spirit with a respect and goodwill toward all life. 

It's a bit more new-age-y than I'm used to, but then again so was yoga (and now I'm hooked!).  I'm going to continue to test the waters and see where it leads me…

Although there are some hindrances: I suddenly got busy!  Taste tests, the calling center, and Touchpoint are gradually on their way to consuming all the summer I have left, and then some!

What a weekend!

Wow, just wow.  I AM SO SORE!

I have been on my bike for a startling amount of miles in the last few days.  Saturday I did two loops around the park just because I love it so much (12 miles).  Then Amy and I went to check out where the building is where we'll be doing taste testing (2 miles).  Then I said the fateful words "I'm feeling adventurous" and went with Amy to pick up her FedEx package (2 miles further).  Then we went back (4 miles). 

THEN on Sunday we did yoga for FREE in the park and later embarked on the free city-wide artist studio tour.  We biked all the way to the end (even further than we went the day before, so like 5 miles or more, and hopped out way back (so 10 or more total).  Then I added another 4 when I tried to go to Mass at the Student Catholic Center but was misinformed and missed it :(

Today because of the soreness I only went a total of four miles on my bike, over to the calling center and back.  Instead of biking, I simply walked the 3 miles (one-way) to the hardware and grocery stores. 

I'm tired!

And yes, I did get a milk crate and attach it to my bike just like this one.  Gotta love it!

A pat on the back

It's 2am and I'm wide awake.  Want to know why?  Well, you're reading this so I assume you do.  A few weeks ago I really made the effort to step myself down gradually and eventually get rid of my caffeine addiction altogether.  Two days ago I succeeded in drinking nothing more caffeinated than decaf "Donut Shop" coffee that my stepmom gave me. 

Tonight I hung out with Julia, a wacky fun former army brat with a lot of travels, swearing, and life experience under her sleeve.  We went to a Mexican restaurant for dinner and to a pub later on.  I did my best to be good.  Flush with my success earlier this week and motivated not to screw it up, I ordered the vegetarian fajitas and didn't eat all of it. To drink (at the restaurant and at the pub) I only had a diet Coke. 

We had fun, though at her mildest Julia about matches my wildest.  We just seem to run in different circles.  However, we did have quite a good time.  Also, even though I had more than a few chips (crisps), and the flour tortillas and cheese added to the points value of the fajitas, I am rather proud of myself.  Go me! 

Now if I could just wind down after two and a half (caffeinated) drinks...

Stress, frustration, and eating

*whine alert* for pretty much this whole post, btw…

Some weird things happened to me yesterday, or really the past week, and they all seemed to be conspiring to make me emotional.  Tuesday we did the Meta meditation, basically trying to cultivate in ourselves a respect for all beings, no matter what form (or, in my mind, no matter what mental problems, attitude, infirmity, or disability).  Then yesterday I slept in and didn't get in a bike ride before heading to the SIX HOURS of HR training.  It was all mostly about policies & procedures & precautions, but there was a portion that listed every individual's rights, autistic or not.  Basically the message was that these guys we're working with are human beings too and deserve us to treat them as such.  Also, they served pizza and pop for lunch, 19 points down the drain (and not even really worth it).  Then after work I watched an episode of Extreme Makeover: Home Edition in which a family of nine (most kids adopted, most with special needs) had had their house destroyed in a hurricane and were all forced to be crammed into a trailer.  The youngest, the cutest little baby girl you've ever seen, had a permanent tracheotomy (-ostomy?  I forget… a breathing tube from her throat) because she was born without sinus passages and had some sort of lung disease.  She was SO CUTE and the family was all about loving children and caring for them, no matter what was wrong with them.  At the end of the episode, they had a photo montage and sad music - the little girl had died a couple months after the new house was built. 

Then I decided to sign up online for (paid) taste tests at a local health food company.   The questionnaire took forever and kept messing up, so by the time I finished (and they told me there was nothing currently available), I was late for the real paid study at the Business School.  I drove, but it didn't save me any time - three miles away, and it took me half an hour to get there, find the building, and park.  Luckily, the test proctor let me stay late and do an extra session. 

I say "luckily"…..

The test was purportedly about financial decisions.  They are clever!  First, they put $7 in front of me.  Then they asked me to write an essay about a time when I felt I had low status.  I wrote about last Saturday at the Dropoff, feeling absolutely clueless and helpless (and slightly worthless) as I battled to keep track of even one kid all day, and no real training under my belt.  That was when I got hit, things thrown at me, scratched, and was exposed to various gross bodily fluids…. AKA the little girl who likes to pull my hair then give kisses with her tongue out (and then tried to play in the toilet), or the little boy who spit a gobfull of greenish-brown mucous-y something into his hand and started to laugh at it hysterically.  Writing that essay just brought back all those bad feelings. 

Then they asked some questions, then they described a little girl in India who is not allowed to go to school, shunned by her family and community, and has no friends, all because she has a cleft palate.  I had to write an essay about how I would feel if I were her.  Obviously I got even more miserable by this essay.   Then they asked for a donation to a charity that sends doctors to countries like India to give free operations to little girls like the one described.  I gave them four of my hard-earned seven measly dollars. 

I left and headed straight to the bathroom.  That stupid study made me cry!

If it hadn't been for all the factors I described before, it wouldn't have been as bad.  I was frustrated, I hadn't exercised, I had eaten something if not "bad" then at least not good for me and didn't even want to, and I had spent quite a bit of time contemplating the human value of people with disabilities, especially children, especially the ones I care for who have autism.  I was a mess. 

But here's the worst part, and I don't even think I knew 100% that I was doing it at the time.  I think at the time I just blamed it on the high-point pizza.  Yesterday I ate 69 points worth of food.  Yeah, 19 of that was lunch, but the rest?  I think that was stress and emotion, even though I didn't acknowledge it at the time.   Thank goodness tracking has become such an ingrained habit - I did indeed track everything I ate, and I still even have a few weekly extras left over.  I didn't lose control.  But I am recognizing and somewhat preparing myself - when I'm stressed and emotional, I really go for the kitchen.

Who needs a gym? (when there isn't one to be found) :(

Well, ok, I exaggerate. There are many athletic facilities around, but each has its definite drawbacks.  Amy is interested in the pool and classes.  I'm definitely interested in them, but I'm more looking forward to a good weight room.  I'm convinced that strength training will get me through what regular aerobic exercise and stretching/toning haven't in the past.  Not that biking two hours a day hasn't shown its results (see previous weigh-in post!). 

Amy and I checked out a few rec rooms around the city.  The medical campus has a decently sized weight and treadmill room, but the class times are inconvenient and the fees expensive.  No pool.  Plus, we won't have access until we get our IDs.  The main campus has a FREE pool, but it's far, and every other part of it is kind of lame and inadequate.  The main campus to the south also has lame facilities and expensive and inconvenient classes.  Private gyms… well, you have to pay for them, and you pay what they ask.  Classes are extra.

Yeah, we're kind of discouraged. 

But still, I'm content enough right now to stick with what we have: sidewalks, bike trails, and yoga DVDs.  After the second week of August or so we should have our campus IDs, which will open more doors. 

I love my new bike

I have a "new" bike!

Of course, it's actually pretty old and sat in my mom's garage for like two years.  But I don't care - it's mine, and it's new to me.  My old bike, though perfectly adequate for regular riding (and the epitome of a rugged mountain bike), just didn't cut it out on the streets and paved paths of the parks.  It had small (diameter) tires (so I couldn't go very fast), shocks (nice, but that meant I couldn't attach a rear wheel carrier for carrying things), and there was no kickstand or drink carrier.  Also, the tires were really wide, which also kept slowing me down. 

My new bike is huge.  I'm talking six more inches of diameter on the wheels, narrow and road-appropriate tires, a more comfortable seat, and even a seal of road-worthy approval from the bike shop.  But the best parts were the additions I got today: a water bottle holder and a rear carrier!  Amy got a carrier installed for her bike too.  Once we attach a basket or milk crate, we'll be able to carry our backpacks, groceries, books, whatever we need, to and from everywhere. 

I'm in love.  I was giggling with glee as I rode back from the bike shop.  I can't wait to test it out (why do I have to do laundry when I could be biking!? - Oh yeah, because I have no clean clothes!)  Oh well, tomorrow I have planned an epic early-morning ride to the zoo, a leisurely stroll looking at the animals, and then another epic ride back.  I might even ride to campus, the bank, or the library later on!

I suppose the only drawback is that I won't be working so hard to ride everywhere (it's an easier, faster ride).  Oh well - the sheer fun of it will get me outside hour after hour!

Weigh-in… woah

Sorry about the whole not writing thing…  I think I was afraid to start up again.  I was really discouraged after my last weigh in three weeks ago, and then I was traveling for a week.  My scale stopped working, and without that constant reassurance I didn't feel confident.  Plus, I've been so busy!

City Museum, biking, exploring the city, shopping, unpacking, more biking, walking to the library or around campus… yikes!  And then before all that was my marathon trip home, moving, and the weekend in KC.  It's been pretty crazy.  And I'll have to have a separate post for City Museum simply because it was so amazing. 

Today I went to a meeting and weighed in for the first time since my (second) gain three weeks ago. 

But this time it was different...

I'm back… with a bang!  My new total weight loss since I joined WW last September is 41 pounds.  No, you are not hallucinating.  Yes, I did drop 9 pounds in three weeks, but I'm not surprised.  Like I said, I've been BUSY! 

So here it is, my validation.  This is my pat on the back.  This is the tangible reminder, the real sign that all the hard work really is paying off.  All the time I spend in grocery stores finding the lowest point-value foods, the complete change in eating, the exercise, all has been and will be worth it.  Congratulations to me!

And now, back to work!

Who needs a personal trainer? Just get a roommate!

Amy is great!  Not only did she bring her awesome wonderful funny personality into my life, she also brought a lot of necessary things for the apartment… like a table, or a microwave!  But not only that: she and I explored the park a little more (by bike) the other evening, and because she was leading, I ended up going about three times as far as I would have gone on my own.  I was utterly exhausted and my legs still hurt, but I had a blast. 

Then today I got up at 4 to fly to Iowa to begin the Great Move-My-Stuff-A-Thon.  I had three hours stuck in Chicago (and you know how much I hate that airport), but I stuck to my guns and didn't buy anything except a veggie tray and bottle of water.  I call that a definite win.  Too bad Mom and I got Chinese for lunch, but we can't win all the battles.  And here I am, sitting in a McDonald's in Mason City, IA, using their internet, and only having eaten a small salad.

Day one: check.  Progress: positive.  Days remaining: 6.  Bring it on. 

A challenge ahead

The coming week… will test my resolve.  To the max.  Moving my possessions will be a breeze compared to the challenge of (wait for it… dun dun DUN…) ROAD FOOD.

I'm flying to Iowa this Sunday, spending a couple nights with mom, then making a quick turnaround and driving about 10 hours to Dubuque and then St. Louis.  Nick will be along for the drive, and I know he'll want to stop at places that will test my ability to stay on plan.  Even when I survive that, the very next day I'm headed to Kansas City to spend three days with Brie, particularly for the HP 7 (part 2) premier. 

(*excited squeak*) 

So… food at home, food on the road, food at airports, and food and drink out with Brie. Oh boy.

But there were some tips in last week's WW Weekly, and I have a plan.  For vacation, you don't have to blow it completely.  Even if I can "go into a holding pattern" and maintain, I will call that a win.  Just because I'm home doesn't mean I have to eat every chip and cookie in the pantry, or a big bowl of mom's pasta.  On the road, even if we eat only at gas stations and fast food places, I won't order the worst thing on the menu - some places even have turkey burgers, salads, and grilled chicken.  Being on the road also means that I can take my own supplies - fruit, sandwiches, baby carrots, etc.  As for airports: there will be a packed lunch, and there will not be any purchases outside of necessity.  With Brie… well, I can drink a lot of water, do yoga with her, and try not to indulge too much.  After all, she understand what I'm doing, and simply being in her company will be fun enough - I don't have to overeat or drink a lot in order to have fun with my friend. 

Who needs a gym?

Who needs a gym when you have people moving in all around you?  Boxes, furniture, beds… all so heavy and needing to be carried into the building, up the elevator, and navigated around the corner in the hallway.  Amy moved in this week, and I helped Julia last week.  I spent two mornings doing nothing but carrying things and sweating a lot. 

I don't think I've ever been so sweaty as the two times (so far) I've helped people move their things.  I've also never felt better!  Is it endorphins?  That elusive natural chemical high?  Or is it the simple factor of two weeks of being alone and bored, and the prospect of seeing another person my age and in my program is so great that I'll have fun doing just about anything else? 

Eh, probably just the boredom.  :-)

Oh well.  I get a workout, I meet new people, I help them out, and I feel good for doing it.  It works. 

Hopefully there will be someone to help me out when I move the rest of my stuff (boxes, furniture, basically everything else except the bare minimum I'm living with now) next week.  My brother is coming along, but I hope we'll have some helping hands to make things a little easier. 

All full of excitement

 

By the way, I did get the job.  *SQUEE!*

I don't get to do a whole lot of "working" this entire month though.  Dang it.  All training, yet only 6 days total, at minimum wage.  Oh well, beggars can't be choosers.  Plus, none of the other jobs I applied for ever contacted me, so I really can't afford to complain. 

So yeah, I'm excited about that. 

Another thing I'm excited about: Amy is coming tomorrow!!!!!!  I'll have someone to talk to!  I'll have someone to walk and/or bike and/or watch telly with! 

And another thing I'm excited about: I get to move in (for good) next week!  I've rented the truck, and my brother even agreed to fly back to Iowa instead of driving the rental truck back.  In a convoluted fashion, that will actually save me some money.  Plus I'll have my stuff!

And yet another thing I'm excited about: one good thing about yesterday's disaster of a meeting was that I met Alex, who just moved into a place very close to Forest Park.  What a coincidence, I know!  So once we're settled at the end of next week, we will be workout buddies - particularly, walking and biking and exploring Forest Park! 

So yeah, I'm pretty excited about the days to come.

Weigh-in ... wtf?

I'm going to be at training during what will become my "normal" meeting time on Thursday, so I decided to go to a different meeting this morning. 

I thought I had done so well.  I walked a lot.  I rode my bike.  I did yoga (well, once).  I spent two hours moving extremely heavy furniture from a truck into a house.  I drank about 10 glasses of water a day.  I stayed within my daily and weekly points allowance and tracked every morsel.  I can't even blame it on my time of the month, since that's two weeks away.  I ate lean proteins, whole grains, and fruits and vegetables.  I only ate out once, and that meal (feta and spinach omelet with potato wedges) I didn't even finish!

I gained three pounds since Thursday evening.  WTF.

Possible scapegoats:

• Sodium.  I had a big bowl of salty popcorn last night, and I've been seasoning my food lately with soy sauce, ketchup, and of course salt.  Also, I discovered today that my package of "egg whites" has things like flavorings, onion powder, and SALT in it.  So does my "free" butter spray, with which I soaked more than a few pieces of toast and my popcorn.  A few of my vegetables are canned, which can have a lot of sodium.
• Jeans.  Last week I weighed in in lightweight khakis, but today I wore jean capris.  It makes me wonder if that could make one (or two?) pounds of difference. 
• Onions? Lena, who has been following the Thrive diet, says that onions are metabolized the same way as sugar.  In the last three days I've finished off one and a half large onions.  Seasoned with salt, of course.
• Time of day?  After all, I only weighed in last time four and a half days ago… ?

At any rate, I'm not giving up.  I'm discouraged, yes.  Very.  But I'm not giving up. 

My plan: Keep doing what I'm doing, except more vigorous, more deliberate exercise - fewer leisurely walks, more bike rides or fast walks through the park.  Yoga more often - and more than just one 20-minute session.  Also, less sodium. 

Weigh-in Wonders

 

(make-up post for last Thursday… this week's weigh-in will actually be tomorrow!)

I was gone a month, did a lot of traveling, indulged, and then worked really hard for a week.  The result?  I weighed in only .8lbs heavier than the last time I was at a meeting.  NOT BAD!   Considering the last 2 times I "took a break" from weight watchers, I gained over 10lbs each time.  I was miserable and felt guilty, like a failure. 

But this is not something from which I can take a break.  I've said it before, but I have to keep saying it.  This is my lifestyle, not a diet.  I am truly, 100%, in this for my whole life.  Because it will change  - no, define  -  my life.

And guess what: next week's weigh-in will be even better.  Bring it on! 

The interview

MURPHY!!!!!!!

That's my new curse word.  It refers to Murphy's Law, which states that anything that can go wrong, will. 



Yeah, I hope Mark Parisi doesn't do a lot of random blog reading.



I got a call yesterday from Touch Point Autism Services, and they invited me for an interview today at 1:30.  One of the questions they made sure to ask was whether I had a reliable means of transportation.  I said yes.

I was wrong.  Come 1:05, I tried to start my car, but Tubby (my car) had other plans.  No turning over, no nothing.  A few lights.  I think Great, I have a dead battery and called to cancel and/or postpone the interview.  I was more than flustered.

A call to Dad, a phone diagnostic, and fiddling with the connections to the battery terminal.  And my car starts!  Loose connections, great.

Half an hour late, I got to the interview, which went GREAT.  Unless something goes wrong, I'm fairly sure I will have a job soon.  Words cannot express my joy, hope, and relief. 

Then I spent an hour driving in traffic trying to find a car repair place, and ended up staying TWO hours at a super-pricy (practically dealership-pricy) place that charged me $40 to tell me they couldn't figure out what was wrong, and gave me an estimate over $200 to fix something that might be wrong.  And that something my dad could probably fix for $50.

MURPHY!

So yeah, interview was great.  I might have a job!  I just have to worry about my car :-(

The small things

I find myself with an unfamiliar feeling.  Pride.  Well, ok, I've felt it before, but never like this.  I'm proud of things I've done, even though these things are so small. 

Yesterday I biked a couple miles in the park.  There's a long stretch of path that is nothing but slow, laborious uphill, and I didn't make it.  This morning I went even further up the hill.  Tomorrow I just might beat it.  Endurance is taking a while to obtain, but I'm getting closer!

Today about 10am I got bored and decided to cook something more elaborate, so by the time I had food ready it was lunchtime.  I baked a single piece of chicken, together with roast vegetables, seasoned to perfection.  And I loved it.  I just might have mastered cooking healthily for one.

Then, after a stressful afternoon (see "the interview" post, which will come soon), I got fast food.  I was frustrated, hungry, and needed quarters for laundry, so I stopped at Taco Bell and got a big burrito, a drink, a crunchy taco, and a roll of quarters.  As I was driving away, habit took over, bringing the burrito up to my face.  But I stared at this monstrous thing in my hand and suddenly the thought popped into my head: "I don't want to eat this."  I didn't have enough Points, I'm going to my first WW meeting in STL tomorrow, didn't need anything that huge or fattening, and just didn't feel like eating it. I had the taco and later a peanut butter sandwich, and that was it. 

Of course, habit and the little hungry voice in my head still made me want to eat it tonight, but I've promised myself not to eat it until lunch or later tomorrow.  It and the (diet) drink await me in the fridge.  They do NOT control me. 

It's the small things that really make the difference these days.  I'm proud of myself. :-)

Yep, just about that proud of me.  :-)

Shopping

Shopping is stressful.  I just kind of hate it in general. 

Shopping for food is not too bad, except for two reasons.  The prices of healthier food bother me, especially when right now I'm on such a tight budget.  The second reason is temptations.  Last time I was at the store I spent over an hour looking for the best prices on food and thought I did pretty well.  By the end, I was worn out and hungry… and the last aisle was DUN DUN DUN… the pastry aisle!  I bought two cream puffs.  They were delicious, and I don't regret them points-wise, but I do regret that I gave in to temptation and deviated from my list.

Clothing shopping is worse.  It's like my own personal nightmare every time I step into a store.  Finding my size is the first hurdle, and then trying it on.  It's a real challenge to find clothing that actually looks flattering on my body, and most of the time I feel like a sausage stuffed into cotton.  I'm definitely stuck in a clothing rut - Black, black, jeans, t-shirts, black, jean capris, black, and more black. 

Not my actual closet, but it's pretty similar.

But I know it won't always be this way.  Sometimes I watch What not to Wear with the conscious purpose of looking good once I lose more weight.  I want to be able to wear colors.  I look forward to looking forward to shopping. 

Control

I need to be able to control my environment.  The Dr. Phil book made me realize it even more.  It's why I do so much better when I'm away from Mom's house.  When I'm away from my apartment, I don't control myself very well.  When I'm away, I gain.

But there's a fatal flaw in that thinking.  The last couple weeks I was away, and it was almost like I didn't even try.  I ate my favorite snack at my dad's house: whole grain bread covered with butter spread and melted cheese.  Not too bad, except that I had large and frequent servings.  I also went out to eat with Lena and out with Dad, and I ate unhealthy fast food at the airport.  It was this subconscious cycle of thinking that said things like "I always gain when I'm around my family. Why should I even try?" and "My family socializes through eating.  If I don't eat/drink with them, or eat/drink what they eat, I will miss out."  And then there's my favorite:  "I've been working so hard: I deserve to have fun and to eat what I want." 

But I can't do that.  Two weeks of that thinking made me gain 5 more pounds.  Granted, it's not like I went crazy, especially with Lena.  But I still don't feel that great about it.  Also a big obstacle was the lack of exercise.  Walking airports and a couple bike rides around Bixby just didn't cut it. 

Food does not equal celebration.  I don't need to go out to eat to have fun with my friends and family.  I don't have to eat an entire chicken enchilada plate with beans and rice and tons of chips just to feel involved.  I don't have to get the super value meal with a drink and french fries simply because it's a better value than a single burger or a small serving of fries.  OR a SALAD and piece of FRUIT (which I did NOT buy this time around).   I made all the wrong decisions, every tiny little decision, every small step, all cumulating in a gain. 

So now I'm back in St. Louis - HOORAY!  I can get back on track in an environment that is controlled 100%, even after my roommate moves in (Yay!).  I'll just make sure I stay out of the side of the fridge and the cabinets that are hers.  And I'm not going anywhere at least for a bit - safe, for now.  I'm glad to be back, but hindsight has taught me about myself and given me ideas about what I can do in the future.

The next time I'm planning a trip, I'm going to re-read this post.  I'm going to remind myself what I can lose if I get stuck in a pattern of thinking that will destroy me.    I refuse to be my worst enemy.  I'm not going to go in with my eyes closed, repeating myself and expecting different results.  I won't let even my habits and thoughts take over - I'm in this for life.   

Lasagna

MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM

MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM

MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM

MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM

MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM

MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM

gooooeeeeyyyyyyy cheeeeeeeessssyyyyyyyyyy

noodles and tomato and cheeeeessssseeeeeee

(This is what my brain said this afternoon.  I had two pieces.

I'm trying not to feel guilty)

I went for a bike ride yesterday and the day before, and I got up early enough today to church with Karol.  I'm working on getting up earlier tomorrow.  Also, dad and I are going to work on the fence. 



GUILTY



I'm trying not to feel too guilty.  One bad meal… well, ok day… well, ok, few days in a row… it won't ruin me.  I won't let it.

Imprisoned

Warning: this entire blog post is full of whining.  Just so you know. 

I'm stuck in a prison.  It's called Oklahoma summer.  It's called Oklahoma summer at my dad's house.  It's called Oklahoma at my dad's house with no money. 

90-100 degrees by 10 in the morning.  A bike with a bad tire.  Even when it's cool enough to go out, it's attack of the mutant mosquito storm!  No money to go anywhere.  No puppy for three days.  Lots of crap telly.  Lots of extremely very not good things in the kitchen.  The blasted stupid impossibility to wake up early enough to go out when it's cooler.  I got up at 10 today, somehow still wanting to sleep more.

This has to change.  I'm getting up at 6 tomorrow and going to a bike ride.  And this evening I'm walking or biking (or driving if needed) to buy a father's day card because I don't have anything for Dad yet… uh-oh. 

Even if sheer willpower can do me one morning, I'll take it.  Baby steps and stubbornness will just have to get me through until I'm back in St. Louis.  No hidey-holes, no escaping the fact that even when I'm somewhere I don't necessarily want to be, I still have to deal with this being MY life, and my lifelong weight loss. 

The buddy system

I need a workout buddy.  Nothing compares - nothing.  I visited my bff for a few very awesome days and was shown the most powerful idea in the world: the buddy system. 

It's hard to get motivated to go out and do things.  The paralyzing self-consciousness plays a part, but there's also a general feeling of it's-so-freaking-early-in-the-morning-and-I-want-to-sleep.





Lena and her newfound friend already had a biweekly meeting at Panera for coffee and homework that helps them get work done, and then Lena started going to her Pilates class once a week..  Now they have a new commitment: on said days of the week, they will get up early, meet each other at the university gym, and run/jog.  I tagged along for the first day.  Lena and I got up at 6am, dressed, drove to the gym, and spent nearly an hour there.  If it hadn't been for the mutual agreement, there was absolutely no way, 0% chance of our actually doing something like that individually. 

I'm still in Oklahoma, and the whole plan isn't working at its best, though not its worst either.  But Lena and I have a plan once I get back to St. Louis.  When she goes to run with her friend, she will call me (or I will call her).  That will help motivate both of us to get up and got out. 

But still, someday I'm finding myself a workout buddy.  Even if we meet in the park to walk, or my roommate and I walk to campus together, I'm making use of this buddy system.  I need it. 

More motivation!

More motivation!

Come July (or realistically August or even September), I will have an even better source of motivation for exercise.  It's called S2H, or Switch2Health, and I am going to send them money as soon as I can.

Basically, you buy a sensor bracelet (or pedometer).  It senses how much you move around, how much you exercise.  Once you accumulate a certain amount of time doing some aerobic activity, the device gives you a code that you can redeem for points.  Once you have enough points you can redeem them for STUFF.

Stuff like …

Ringtones!

Gift cards!

A Wii console!

A Spa gift certificate!

An XBOX 360 game console!



30 bucks and a lot of exercise later, I get awesome free stuff.

Don't believe me?  Look here: http://www.s2h.com/

This is where the recently redeemed awards are listed: http://www.s2h.com/redeemed

Unfortunately, the bracelet only detects vigorous activity - walking doesn't cut it.  There is a pedometer coming, but it isn't scheduled to be released until July, and the shipping may take a while.  But rest assured, I will get that pedometer, and I will get free stuff.  In between that, I will be motivated to move even more. 

The pedometer: http://www.s2h.com/step

Fast food is not actually evil... some of the time

I went to a fast food establishment today.  Seriously.  And I got a burger and fries.  WAIT don't freak out!  I haven't in fact done off the deep end, believe it or not.  Because my wonderful bff was there and kept me in check.  She's one of the only ones who is more than simply supportive - she really gets it.  Not only is she supportive when I make better decisions about my health, she also takes an active part in helping me, even when it comes to looking me in the eye and saying "You're not having a cookie, right?"

So I has a junior deluxe cheeseburger and small serving of fries.  For something that won't be repeated in a long while, it wasn't honestly that bad of a decision.  I am slowly but surely making my way toward a healthier lifestyle, not simply a diet, a way of eating, or a phase in my life in which I am trying to lose weight. 

So here's to friends who help me, here’s to living better, and here's to Wendy's - not such a bad thing after all.  All things in moderation, right?

And no, I didn't have that cookie.  Thanks Lena :)

Stillwater Stumblings

Good evening from Cowboy land…. Also known as Stillwater, OK.  As great as it is visiting family and friends, it always brings out my worst fears and nightmares: eating as a social function.  Dad took me and Lena to Genghis Grill, and Lena and I have had a great time having some wonderful Mexican food, Panera, Sangria and Bailey's (on separate nights, of course).  We also took a walk this afternoon. 

But here's the thing my head does with these last few days: it focuses unerringly on my "transgressions:" the extra chips with bean dip, the creamy Bailey's, the noodles in my Genghis Grill bowl.  It focuses so much on these negative aspects that I have trouble remembering the banana and broccoli, the bean sprouts, and the 45 minutes I spent walking around Wal Mart, and the walk we took to the liquor store.  All the good things I've done get blotted out by the bad things on which I've fixated. 

I'm afraid to let myself have fun, to treat myself, to leave my hidey-hole in St. Louis eating nothing but lean protein, vegetables, fruit, and the occasional whole grain.  No booze, only water.  No tortilla chips either.  Walking two miles to campus, biking an hour in the park.  In other words, boring - but safe. 

YUUUMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM..........

I'm working on it.  I can't be afraid of the outside world.  So - I'm going to drink my cup of Bailey's, but I won't overdo it and I won't feel guilty either.

The expense of thin

It's not Monday yet, but I feel like ranting.

I spent a lot of time yesterday looking at airport food and not buying it.  Well, ok, I bought a fruit smoothie that was only 4 points of peachy goodness.  And you know what I noticed?  The healthier it is, the more it costs.  The sugar-free high-protein fruit and yogurt shake cost me more than $5!  Even a single stinking banana can cost over a dollar, the same as a cheap entrée from a fast food restaurant.  Or for a couple dollars more, you can get an entire tray of unhealthy food.  If you want a salad, of steamed veggies, or something that's not caked in breading or deep-fried, you just have to pay more. 

It's kind of something I've noticed in general.  Eating healthier is more expensive. 

A quick search confirmed my suspicions:

The great food divide by Dr. Martin Caraher and Dr. Elizabeth Dowler

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/business/4652801.stm

"... the poor of today suffer from lack of access to healthy food… Compared to the rich, those on low incomes eat less well, often paying more for food… In addition, they have to endure poorer food quality and, as a result, suffer more diet-related ill health."

You want a jumbo bad of potato chips?  No problem.  You want a bag of spinach?  Fork it over.  Apples at $1.99 a pound, spaghetti squash at $2.50 a pound, but I can pay less at Taco Bell and get a burrito, chips, and a large drink.  Add on 50 cents more and you can include a taco.  Give your kids fruit rollups packed with corn syrup rather than actual fruit and save enough to pay for their therapy when they're labeled hyperactive.  Super-processed-packed-with-msg-noodles (otherwise known as the college staple, Ramen) are many times 8 or 10 for a dollar, but a bag of whole wheat or higher fiber pasta is four or five dollars. 

I'm not happy.

I don't have a lot of money.  And thanks to my insistence on moving now rather than in August, I'm out quite a bit of money each month trying to keep up with bills.  I'll get loans, but not until September bills come my way.  So when I'm shopping for food and trying to choose healthier items, I'm having to fight between saving money and being healthy.  It's a war, and only the dedicated and determined can win.