Forgiveness (step 8)

I tackled a "big one" today.  I wrote about someone in my life who hurt me in the past. I'd been thinking on it and avoiding and absolutely dreading it, and I'd gotten to the point that my fear of facing the emotions associated with writing about him was greater and more unpleasant than the actual emotions themselves. Everything I prayed about and wrote about made me realize I need to let this go so I can keep moving forward. It was an anchor holding me stuck in the same spot, unable to move.

I gave him something somewhere around 2,500 words (with the awareness that more may come up later - this isn't necessarily the end) and more tears than I realized I had in me.  I'm drained emotionally and physically, but I'm strangely peaceful. I wrote about it and allowed myself to feel the hurt and pain and betrayal and anger I've been avoiding feeling all my life, that I've been eating to make go away.

And then it happened - it melted away. 

The things I wrote were no longer painful.   I can read over what I wrote and not feel the pain and the anger anymore. In fact, the things I wrote, especially more recently, were positive.  They filled me with pity and empathy for the flawed and spiritually sick human being he is ... (just like me)... and then with love and gratitude that we've somehow managed to patch together a working relationship in the present. I can love him for the person he is now, not condemn him forever for the things he did in the past.  I can let go of the expectations that he will become a perfect human being and right all the wrongs he's ever done. I can be grateful for the things he's helped me with  and see the positive - like all the times he's gone to extreme lengths to help me in anything and anywhere.

I can forgive him and love him for who he is now. 

Procrastination

I don't want to do step 8.

It calls for a lot of writing and thinking of things past, things I've done and things done to me, and forgiveness. Ah, the healing power of the steps.

I think I'm afraid of this one.  I've been procrastinating on it for weeks.

I'm afraid of the emotions, the process. Even more, I'm afraid of what comes after step 8. I can't help but think about it when I'm writing about step 8.  I don't want to pray for some of these people, don't want to forgive them.  There is a small part of me that wants to hold on to that hurt and that resentment.  It's like I think it makes me special or something, makes me have something that others don't.

But it's making me miserable. 

It's a poison to my day.  It draws me into myself, when I am most happy and content and peaceful when I'm outside my head. I am that tight muscle that resists the flu shot and is sore for a week when a relaxed muscle is not as sore; I am a resistance strong that doesn't want to let this through without a fight.  I don’t want to feel these emotions.  I don't want to let them out.  They're quiet as long as they stay in their little box inside me, only spilling out when I open the lid to take a peek and then snap it shut hard when I see what's inside.

But that little box is getting full, and it's bursting at its seams.  Its contents are festering and fermenting, becoming stronger and more putrid.  They're leaking out.

Open it and clean it out. Throw it out and don't hide things there anymore. Be at peace.

God, please give me the willingness to open this box and bring to light the things that I don't need.  Please relieve me of the fear of them so I can let them go without struggle and be a human being at peace with myself.