Therapy?! (Part two)

Showing her that dialogue [see part 1 of this post] seemingly proved the undoing of the sessions - and on only the second day I'd spoken to her!

She told me, in a very nice way, that she can help me work on the physical stuff.  You know: nutrition, exercise, time management, etc, but all that other stuff in my head is outside the scope of her practice.  She knew it and I had only just figured it out: that stuff inside my head is the reason I'm still the weight I am. It's the reason I hit a brick wall every time I have a little success. Anxiety, stress, self-esteem, negative self-talk, all-or-nothing thinking… whatever you call it, that's the primary culprit for my insane cravings, the "food monster," and my tendency to give up and binge every time I mess up even just a little.

She said that stuff has to be addressed.  For her to work with me, and for me not to seek other help to take a closer look inside my head, would be like giving painkillers to someone with a[n unset] broken leg and then expect him to walk home.  You're not treating the actual problem, just the symptoms.

She told me I'd do better if I get some good old traditional therapy. 

As she spoke, something curious happened to me.  The world seemed to shrink, the walls close in. I started bawling, and I couldn't even figure out why.

I suppose it could have been a mix of many things, but I'm sure it was mostly fear.  Fear of having to start over again, of no one being able to help me, of failure again. Abandonment. Maybe there was some relief in there?  I don't know.  Somehow I knew everything she was saying was true, but I didn't want to believe that I had to do it.  I kept crying.  And crying.  Talking too, but crying all the while.  I didn't stop until I was about four blocks from my flat.

A hell of a lot of crying and introspection later, I had pegged it as some unnamed fear.  It's one thing, you see, to name it anxiety.  Social anxiety, low self-esteem.  Among friends, I can admit it.  To a professional like Cristen, I can talk about it and then move on.  That's what I'm used to doing.  Put a plug on it, a label if necessary, accept it, and move on.  Don't think about it, and it can't bother me.  So why did I have a meltdown every time I replayed that scene in my mind?  Why was I an emotional wreck for three days?

So today I called Mom, and she supported me. I called Lena, and she blew my mind. She put words, it seemed, to not just to my thoughts, but to my very soul.  It's hard to remember how she worded it, but the gist is there. She said I had made those things a part of me, so much that I can't imagine myself without them.  They'd become like a callus, a shell and tough hide around me, keeping me insulated and protected from the world.  But they have to come off, because I'm inside, somewhere, waiting to get out.  It'll hurt when they come off, but I'll be better for it. And, true to her form, she threw in another analogy: I'm a caterpillar, and I'm safe in my cocoon.  I don't know how to be anything but a caterpillar in a cocoon.  But sooner or later I have to go through a change and get out of that cocoon, to be in the world as something spectacular and beautiful.

I was crying again, but this time it was definitely relief. 

So…………………………………………….. Monday I'm asking for a referral.

This is Lena's other part-time job.

Therapy?! (Part one)

Hi! I'm back with a vengeance.  And my crystal ball says there's going to be a lot of introspection in the immediate future.  That or there’s going to be loads of fog tonight.  Sorry, too much Pottermore.   THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENED.  Also, if you didn't get those references, get off my blog.

“Aaaaah,” said Ron, imitating Professor Trelawney’s mystical whisper, “when two Neptunes appear in the sky, it is a sure sign that a midget in glasses is being born, Harry…”

A couple months or so ago I asked the doctor for a referral to a Dietician.  Well, ok, I actually asked her to "scare me into losing weight."  You know, like on the movies with the stern doctor saying how dire your test results are and that you'll die in so many years or get this disease if you don't get into shape… blah blah blah.  I told her the truth: I have enough knowledge, and I know what to do to lose weight.  I just can't seem to stick to it.  She gave me a referral to see Cristen, a dietician and wellness coach.

On our first visit, things seemed to be going well.  She said that she works with a model of collaboration and mutual goal-setting, and she introduced me to the Transtheoretical Model, or Stages of Change.  [On a lighter note, I had just learned all this junk in our summer term 'personal wellness project.'  Mwahahaaaa].  We talked about my history and why I sought her out.  From the very beginning, I was as honest as possible, as open as I can ever imagine being with a complete stranger. I talked about how I can be going along so well, with weight watchers or with myfitnesspal, and then something happens… usually something is happening in my life or school, and I slip up, just a little…. then I blow it completely.  I also told her about how hard it is to go to the gym because I really do dread and downright HATE working out in front of other people, especially the skinny little women with fancy workout clothes who read cosmo while running, or the gigantor weight-lifting guys grunting along in the mirror.

HATE HATE HATE. DREAD.  Like, to the point of sweating just thinking about it.  Kind of the same way I feel in large crowds, especially if attention is drawn to me.  Or the time Brie brought me to the DJ's attention at a club and forced me to dance.  Jeez, I'm actually physically uncomfortable just remembering that night.  Hyperventilation: check.

I really admire whoever came up with the idea for this picture.
It speaks volumes about how I feel in certain situations. 

You, Dear Reader, may have seen the eventual conclusion coming a while ago, or at least from the title of this post. Feel free to yell at me through your computer screen and say "duh" or "I knew that twelve posts ago!" But for the less observant or perceptive, I'll get to the point eventually.

Cristen gave me some homework, and in my frenzy to avoid my research project, I did her homework instead, and to a startling degree of self-insight. I was trying to figure out what my "wellness vision" was, or in my head, the thing we're shooting for, the thing I want to work on during my meetings with Cristen. I stared at the computer screen, blank. No words would come.  And then something weird happened: like the fictional Rook, the journalist in the Nikki Heat books [who is based on Richard Castle, the fictional tv writer, played by the real-life Nathan Fillion], I had a Sméagol/Gollum moment and started talking (well, typing) to myself.  This is what came of that:

• What do I want to do?  What do I want to get out of these sessions with Cristen? 
• I want to "fix" my head

• She can't do that for you.  You may not even be able to.  You have some real anxiety and self-esteem issues that won't all go away with weight loss.
• I know.  But It will help - a lot. Plus I'm more aware now. 

• … of what?
• Of why I overeat.  Well, sometimes. 

• So what is it?  What's the payoff?  There's something you're getting out of this, some weird reward you get from overeating, from staying fat.  What is it?
• I'm filling something else that's not there.  I'm punishing myself.  I'm keeping myself fat and insulated from the world so I have an excuse not to interact with it. Plus, it's hard and exhausting to track and lose weight.  Sometimes I get to the point where it feels easy or simple, and then I hit a snag or obstacle and end up eating 2 medium Domino's pizzas, an order of cinna sticks, and [because there was a special] cheesy bread… in one night.

• Punishing yourself for what?
• For being a failure.

• What have you failed at?
• Life.  Being who I'm supposed to be.  Participating fully in life.  THAT'S what I want more than anything.  I want to participate in life.  If I can't or don't do something, I want the reason to be something outside of me, not something that I'm responsible for.  I'm sick of my weight being an excuse not to do anything.  I'm sick of it holding me back.

• And weight loss is the answer to your problems?
• Yes and no.  I know that if I do lose the weight, it won't be because I fought and struggled to get there.  I can't see me at a happy/healthy weight unless I'm also healthy and happy in other parts of my life.  I can't get all the way to the finish line taking two steps forward and one step back.  Well, I suppose I could, but that would take forever, would be exhausting, and would probably end in gaining most of it back when I relax my iron vigilance.
• Also, I really do feel better about myself, less self-conscious when I'm at a lighter weight.

• … *raises eyebrows*
• THAT'S IT!  That's what I want from these sessions.  I want help finding healthy ways to manage my obstacles (… they're many).  When I stumble (and where in the past I've fallen off the cliff), I want to have the tools at my disposal so that I can pick myself back up and keep going without losing so much ground.  Healthy, constructive ways to manage obstacles, not my usual slip up/feel sorry for myself and blame myself, on the border of hating myself for failing yet again/give up and binge because I'll just end up failing in the end anyway/feel worse and mope/swear it'll never happen again and go on a calorie-counting and exercise crusade [repeat]

A very short and very celebratory post

First week of summer term: check. Psycho work-out-all-the-time-and-eat-really-well week: check.

I invite you to scroll down all the way to the bottom of the page and look at my 'My Fitness Pal' ticker.  It currently says "7 pounds lost." (Which is four pounds more than it said last week).

It's also a butterfly, and I am Mulan.

I am very happy. That is all.

Thanks be to God!

No, seriously.  This week I owe the Big Guy Upstairs a lot of thanks.  Well, ok, technically I owe him that all the time and don't realize it, and can't even give enough thanks for…. this is going to give me a headache. Whatever.  I'm in a particularly grateful mood, and I'm going to take advantage of it.

I've lost three pounds this week.  Go me!

Now, a caveat: I was SUPER bad on my drive back to stl last Sunday and had gained about 8 pounds because of Sunday and all last week.  But still, it's coming back off.  I'm newly determined and motivated, owing partly to the wonders of a week off in my safe and controlled surroundings of my apartment, and plenty of time to bike in Forest Park. 

So, let's stick to the schedule:

• Three things I'm grateful for: My fitness pal, beautiful weather, and time off to ride in Forest Park

• One Positive Thought about life: I am a caterpillar! (only Lena will understand this.  I'll explain later).

• One Positive Thought about losing weight: My goal calendar says I can order Think Geek t-shirts next month.  I'm meeting my goals.  I'm getting those t-shirts.

• Catch Yourself Being Good: breakfast was grapes, coffee, soymilk, and a big glass of water.  Go me!
• Non-Scale victory: only 8:30am and five things checked off my to-do list.  Go me!

Thursday

I'm supposed to write positive things on Thursdays.  It's late, I'm incredibly tired, and Mom took us on a crazy trip to buy a giant cabinet to store her extra dishes in.  Six hours on the road, lots of exertion, and more than a little grumpy Sarah.

So… something positive… affirming? Sayings? Goals? Music?! [what was I thinking when I wrote that schedule?]

Ok, music.  That rings a bell. Today I was in rare form and in full-blown b*#&% mode to my mom (no seriously - I was tired, dragged to Des Moines, and had to sit for way too long in a hot and tiny truck with Mom's inane chatter).  Add to that my guilt of finding a ball of cheese dip and eating it, along with a package and a half of crackers, all while cooking my breakfast. Ugh. And even though it's not a day for confessions, I'll admit that I ate a Buster Bar, tenderloin sandwich, and fries at DQ, then about 10 jalapeño poppers. I think I remember that two of them were about 5 points each…

I digress.

In the middle of my bad day, I realized just how horrible I was being to my mom. I turned on my music, a few tracks I bought yesterday, a few hymns and some meditation song/chants from something called Taizé prayer.  I had a taste of it on a retreat a couple months ago and liked it, so I bought some.

Ubi caritas et amor… Ubi caritas Deus ibi est.

     (Where charity and love are, God is there).

What is it about those words, repeated over and over, in a simple melody, that makes my mind quiet instantly, my body relax?  In the few minutes it took for Mom to gas up the truck, use the bathroom, and pay, my attitude changed.  I apologized and did better for the rest of the afternoon.

So why do I mix these things in this post?  Why do I talk about going overboard food-wise but also about music and general pissed-off-ness?  I think you know.  It's the old line, the same tendency to eat when I'm stressed, the same all-or nothing thinking that leads a little dark voice in my head to say well you f&%#ed it up already, so you might as well just give up and go crazy. I know this.  I try to fight it.  Sometimes I win, but definitely not a lot. 

So here's the plan, my goal for the next week: I'm going to fight this tendency in a new way.  I won't try to muscle (is willpower a muscle?) my way through.  I certainly won't give in. I'm going to take the lesson I learned today about my mood and music.  The next time I'm ready to give up and throw it all out the window, I'm going to stop and take a breath. I'm going to think of the song above, something similar, or say a prayer.  I'm going to find that little miniature moment of peace.  And I'm not going to lose it. 

Does shopping count as exercise?

Progress check: cautiously optimistic.

Confession: last night Mom and I watched the latest episode of Castle.  AMAZING.  I was yelling and screaming and laughing like crazy.  I also ate a bunch of chips with homemade guacamole.  Yummy, but soooo not part of my plan for the day.

It's only because Mom kept me busy all day that I didn't overdo it completely. We drove to Mason City, bought a car (a '94 Lumina - actually quite nice). Mom has been driving my old car, Tubby, which is a gas guzzler, because her car has bad brakes. So now we have a grand total of 7 cars, 5 of which are currently sitting in front of the house.  But I think she's happy with the new one because it's a nice car and has good gas mileage.   After that, we went shopping.  I got a few new necessary items (i.e., bras) and a bunch of shirts - nice ones too, that are just a little snug.  They are SO CUTE, so they'll really motivate me.  Just 10 lbs or so and they'll look really nice.

I was even good food-wise : we went to Wendy's, and I got an apple pecan salad.  YUM.  I've ranted before about how expensive healthy food is, but this just proves it.  Mom got chili, a baked potato, and a burger for less than my stupid salad. 

But by the end of the day, I couldn't help thinking, why is this so hard? I was 500 Calories over my recommended limit by 6:00!  And not even doing too badly during the day! 

But here is where the optimism comes from: I went for a bike ride, and later Mom and I went for a walk.  She made it an entire mile and a half!  Ideally, I want to be able to eat the correct amount each day without making up for it in a desperate evening exercise fest.

Also, I took pictures of a cool storm that blew through.  It even poured some hail on us. Enjoy the sight of cool clouds over a whole lotta nothing, which is where I live. :)

I made Mom take this picture when we were driving home from Mason City.
We were stupid enough not to turn left. We could have, but we didn't

We just had to keep driving right into it... I am tempted to ask myself WHY
especially after we got rain and hail poured on us.

It was this line of cloud that hailed the most on us. It's also really cool looking.

Only AFTER we go through the hail do I see the
characteristic tint to the clouds.  Why didn't I just turn?

See that bunch of trees and a few buildings on the right?
That's my town.  I know you're impressed.

Did I insult my town?  My area of the country?  Yes, it's bare.  No, there's never
anything to do.  But you have to admit, it's really pretty - and downright peaceful.
Or should I say serene? You don't ever get to see this much sky in St. Louis!

My Fitness Pal

Have you heard of My Fitness Pal? It's kind of the epitome of weight loss awesomeness.

Maria, my personal trainer, (well, my main one) recommended it, and I was at first skeptical.  I was loath to give up Weight Watchers because I'd had so much success.  I was reluctant even to admit that any other 'plan' might work for me. I was afraid.

And then I made my account, because Maria made me promise I would.  She's good like that - she knows the real meaning of accountability.  I put in my goal of exercise and weight loss, and it told me the recommended Calories, fat, protein, and carbs I should eat per day.  The amazing thing is that when I put those numbers into my Weight Watchers calculator, BAM! 42.  Weight Watchers currently recommends that I eat between 40 and 45 points per day.  The recommendations from My Fitness Pal just happen to fit that.  It was that little glimmer of hope - maybe this will work after all. Maybe I can trust it!

It's been a slow start.  I have yet to track all the food in a day for even three days straight.  But still, I'm giving it time. I'm trusting. 

Plus, it's cool.  They have a huge database of exercises and food (it does all the calculation for me - I just type).  There's an app for my phone.  There's an online community and 'clubs' you can join.  And above all else: IT'S FREE!

Also, they let me put the cool ticker on the bottom of this blog. You can keep track along with me how much weight I've lost since I started anew.  And for the record, I'm technically about 30 pounds down from my very original weight, but I'm tracking online since last week only.  

A schedule and a rant

Now that I'm blogging again, it's time for yet another schedule!

Su: Gratitudes, positive thoughts, and Catch Yourself Being Good.  Non-scale victories.

M: A rant, or complaints.  What's bothering me.

T: random topic

W: Progress check (confessions, if needed) and occasional measurement updates.

Th: Goals, aspirations, and positive things.  Sayings, music, quotes, affirmations, tricks.  Or random.

F: random topic

Sa: weigh-in (and the 'gold standard' of scales will be the one at STL Workout, since mine thinks I can lose 12 pounds in 3 seconds)

And, since it's Monday and I'm in the mood, I'm going to rant… about myself.  I'm weak.  I'm gluttonous.  I failed (twice). I'm ANGRY WITH MYSELF. 

I ate an entire family-size package of pizza rolls.

(In addition to many other large portions of very unhealthy food - chips, pizza, bbq chicken tenders, Oreo Ice Cream pie, a couple candy bars… need I go on?)

NO PIZZA FOR YOU

What is wrong with me?

No, seriously, what the hell is wrong with me? I had a good morning - tired after a crappy nightmare-filled night, yes - but a good morning with Mom, complete with yummy coffee and yogurt with fruit.  Was it the shopping? [Mom practically kidnapped me and dragged me to the store.  Hy-Vee had a coupon fest and each coupon is "per customer."  I'm the second customer. Plus she bought a ton of junk food for Nick.  She does that.]  Was it missing church? [we got there only a couple minutes after when it's supposed to start, but no one was there - they changed it, and mom hadn't heard.] Was it the leftover guilt from the three fast food stops I made on Saturday's drive? [Two burgers, an order of fries, a sub sandwich, some mini donuts, and a sugary coffee.]

AAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

There is no excuse.  I did badly.  Very badly.  But I'm not going to focus on that.  Rant ended, positive outlook for the future engaged.

Today I stayed within my 'Calorie goals' that my new app My Fitness Pal gave me (post about that to come), and I definitely rode my bike [literally] 10 miles.  Let's keep this going, shall we?  

Oh no! Not traveling again!

I'm sitting in my living room trying to buck up the courage… the energy more like… to start driving home.  Nine hours on the road.  Dun dun DUN.

I'm a bit nervous about the challenge of being on the road.  Then there's the even more terrifying aspect of spending a week at home.  However, right now the challenge is turning off the internet tv, finishing packing, and getting the hell out of here before the rain blows in.

But I'm prepared! (At least for today). I packed chicken & veggies for lunch and a peanut butter sandwich for a snack.  Glamorous, I know. Fruit too of course!  So here's my pep talk for myself.  I can do it!  Dinner will be something with lots of vegetables - maybe a chicken wrap and side salad.  I'm going to ride my bike at least three times next week.  I'm going to take a nice walk every other day.  I'm going to choose healthy options at home and even when we inevitably go out to celebrate.  I will either be the DD or else go easy on the alcoholic celebrations.  And I won't feel guilty. :)

Goals!

Now that I'm back 'on the wagon' once more, it's time for some GOALS!  [cue cheering from the audience].  I'm currently at about 290-something.  My scale is being glitchy :( so I don't know for sure.    But that shall not stop me!  Even though I'm fixing to be away for a week, my bike is crammed into my car, my phone has an awesome weight loss app, and I'M READY. The following rewards will not only keep me in a lovely state of debt, but will also keep me motivated.  I mean, come on, those ThinkGeek gadgets have me salivating already.

Short term:

When I get to 285 pounds, I'm going to watch the Avenger's movie (or other movie I want to see) in theaters.

When I get to 280 pounds, I'm going to do something crazy and self-pampering.  For example, I might get my hair cut or my eyebrows waxed.  I might even get a manicure! (gasp!)

Middle:

I hereby give myself permission to buy something - particularly if from ThinkGeek and on the list below) every time I lose 15 pounds.  That means at 275, 260, 245, 230, 215, and 200 I may go on a splurge.

(3) awesome Doctor Who/Firefly/General Geekiness T-shirts (size XL or smaller)

Adipose Plush toy

Harry Potter Proclamation board

Doctor who license plate frame

Heat changing TARDIS mug

42 utility towel

Long term: (for WHEN I make it below that 200 mark).  Hopefully this will be around the time of graduation and the start of fieldwork.

3 more t-shirts (size L or smaller)

Ireland trip - buy the tickets and start making reservations!

Clothes! (scrubs too … you know, because I'll need them for fieldwork.)
An iPad?????

well don't I feel sheepish

Hello!  I'm back.  Again.  Once more.

Otra vez.  De nuevo. Una vez mas.....

Haven't we been here before? Need I go on?

Spring semester is FINALLY over, and I finally have the time to blog. Reading between the lines, you can see that as "I finally have the time to concentrate on my weight again."

So it's a new summer and a new start on this weight loss thing.  I had a rough winter and a rough spring semester, and I'm essentially back to square - well, maybe square three.  I'm sitting at about twenty pounds heavier than the last time I posted, and I'm ready to get back to that feeling.

Quite a few things have happened since then. For one, I joined a gym on my street.  No more excuses about it being too far away.  I also bought some personal training sessions - NO MORE EXCUSES.  Accountability. An ally.  Someone to push me.  What follows is a stream-of-consciousness version of how I've been feeling the last few weeks.

I've already had some ups and downs, but I'm optimistic.  Well, ok, I'm discouraged and disappointed in myself, but also more determined than ever.  Something has clicked, I think: it's just not worth it.  That tortilla with extra cheese and flavored with red pepper hummus, Sarah A's giant whoopie pies, the jar of peanuts just waiting to be munched on continually... THEY ARE NOT WORTH IT.

How stupid is it to think, for the ten seconds I'm enjoying that chocolate pastry from Bread Co (after the soup, sandwich, and drink), or the Crunchwrap Supreme from Taco Bell, that this momentary pleasure is worth more than truly living my life as I'm meant to?  I mean really living life, not just floating through it and hanging out on the sidelines, only participating when Lena pushes me. It's like going to Cancun and hanging out in the hotel room, never hitting the beach.

I'm angry and guilty and letting this all flow out through my keyboard because it needs to.  IT'S JUST NOT WORTH IT. I want a life, damn it, that is worth living. I want a husband who thinks I'm attractive.  I want kids who aren't worried about my health. I want kids, period - because having kids anywhere near this weight is just plain stupid. I want to try on dresses and like what I see.  I want to buy clothes at a regular store, not a store designed for fat women. I want to walk in a room and for once NOT wish I could fade into the background. I want to feel proud of who I am, not only proud of what I've done (there really is a difference).

This isn't willpower.  This isn't motivation.  This is my life.  This is me, not being one of the "enemies of the Cross of Christ... [whose] end is their destruction.  Their God is their stomach; their glory is in their 'shame.'  Their minds are occupied with earthly things" (Philippians 3:18-19). I don't often quote Bible verses.  Actually, outside of Bible study or a conversation with a very close friend, I almost never do.  It makes me feel like I'm shoving false righteousness on others.  But when I read that passage at Bible study the other day, it stuck with me.  Yeah, I know it's probably out of context and slightly misinterpreted.  But if it helps me, why not?

So .... here goes.