A very short and very celebratory post

First week of summer term: check. Psycho work-out-all-the-time-and-eat-really-well week: check.

I invite you to scroll down all the way to the bottom of the page and look at my 'My Fitness Pal' ticker.  It currently says "7 pounds lost." (Which is four pounds more than it said last week).

It's also a butterfly, and I am Mulan.

I am very happy. That is all.

Thanks be to God!

No, seriously.  This week I owe the Big Guy Upstairs a lot of thanks.  Well, ok, technically I owe him that all the time and don't realize it, and can't even give enough thanks for…. this is going to give me a headache. Whatever.  I'm in a particularly grateful mood, and I'm going to take advantage of it.

I've lost three pounds this week.  Go me!

Now, a caveat: I was SUPER bad on my drive back to stl last Sunday and had gained about 8 pounds because of Sunday and all last week.  But still, it's coming back off.  I'm newly determined and motivated, owing partly to the wonders of a week off in my safe and controlled surroundings of my apartment, and plenty of time to bike in Forest Park. 

So, let's stick to the schedule:

• Three things I'm grateful for: My fitness pal, beautiful weather, and time off to ride in Forest Park

• One Positive Thought about life: I am a caterpillar! (only Lena will understand this.  I'll explain later).

• One Positive Thought about losing weight: My goal calendar says I can order Think Geek t-shirts next month.  I'm meeting my goals.  I'm getting those t-shirts.

• Catch Yourself Being Good: breakfast was grapes, coffee, soymilk, and a big glass of water.  Go me!
• Non-Scale victory: only 8:30am and five things checked off my to-do list.  Go me!

Thursday

I'm supposed to write positive things on Thursdays.  It's late, I'm incredibly tired, and Mom took us on a crazy trip to buy a giant cabinet to store her extra dishes in.  Six hours on the road, lots of exertion, and more than a little grumpy Sarah.

So… something positive… affirming? Sayings? Goals? Music?! [what was I thinking when I wrote that schedule?]

Ok, music.  That rings a bell. Today I was in rare form and in full-blown b*#&% mode to my mom (no seriously - I was tired, dragged to Des Moines, and had to sit for way too long in a hot and tiny truck with Mom's inane chatter).  Add to that my guilt of finding a ball of cheese dip and eating it, along with a package and a half of crackers, all while cooking my breakfast. Ugh. And even though it's not a day for confessions, I'll admit that I ate a Buster Bar, tenderloin sandwich, and fries at DQ, then about 10 jalapeño poppers. I think I remember that two of them were about 5 points each…

I digress.

In the middle of my bad day, I realized just how horrible I was being to my mom. I turned on my music, a few tracks I bought yesterday, a few hymns and some meditation song/chants from something called Taizé prayer.  I had a taste of it on a retreat a couple months ago and liked it, so I bought some.

Ubi caritas et amor… Ubi caritas Deus ibi est.

     (Where charity and love are, God is there).

What is it about those words, repeated over and over, in a simple melody, that makes my mind quiet instantly, my body relax?  In the few minutes it took for Mom to gas up the truck, use the bathroom, and pay, my attitude changed.  I apologized and did better for the rest of the afternoon.

So why do I mix these things in this post?  Why do I talk about going overboard food-wise but also about music and general pissed-off-ness?  I think you know.  It's the old line, the same tendency to eat when I'm stressed, the same all-or nothing thinking that leads a little dark voice in my head to say well you f&%#ed it up already, so you might as well just give up and go crazy. I know this.  I try to fight it.  Sometimes I win, but definitely not a lot. 

So here's the plan, my goal for the next week: I'm going to fight this tendency in a new way.  I won't try to muscle (is willpower a muscle?) my way through.  I certainly won't give in. I'm going to take the lesson I learned today about my mood and music.  The next time I'm ready to give up and throw it all out the window, I'm going to stop and take a breath. I'm going to think of the song above, something similar, or say a prayer.  I'm going to find that little miniature moment of peace.  And I'm not going to lose it. 

Does shopping count as exercise?

Progress check: cautiously optimistic.

Confession: last night Mom and I watched the latest episode of Castle.  AMAZING.  I was yelling and screaming and laughing like crazy.  I also ate a bunch of chips with homemade guacamole.  Yummy, but soooo not part of my plan for the day.

It's only because Mom kept me busy all day that I didn't overdo it completely. We drove to Mason City, bought a car (a '94 Lumina - actually quite nice). Mom has been driving my old car, Tubby, which is a gas guzzler, because her car has bad brakes. So now we have a grand total of 7 cars, 5 of which are currently sitting in front of the house.  But I think she's happy with the new one because it's a nice car and has good gas mileage.   After that, we went shopping.  I got a few new necessary items (i.e., bras) and a bunch of shirts - nice ones too, that are just a little snug.  They are SO CUTE, so they'll really motivate me.  Just 10 lbs or so and they'll look really nice.

I was even good food-wise : we went to Wendy's, and I got an apple pecan salad.  YUM.  I've ranted before about how expensive healthy food is, but this just proves it.  Mom got chili, a baked potato, and a burger for less than my stupid salad. 

But by the end of the day, I couldn't help thinking, why is this so hard? I was 500 Calories over my recommended limit by 6:00!  And not even doing too badly during the day! 

But here is where the optimism comes from: I went for a bike ride, and later Mom and I went for a walk.  She made it an entire mile and a half!  Ideally, I want to be able to eat the correct amount each day without making up for it in a desperate evening exercise fest.

Also, I took pictures of a cool storm that blew through.  It even poured some hail on us. Enjoy the sight of cool clouds over a whole lotta nothing, which is where I live. :)

I made Mom take this picture when we were driving home from Mason City.
We were stupid enough not to turn left. We could have, but we didn't

We just had to keep driving right into it... I am tempted to ask myself WHY
especially after we got rain and hail poured on us.

It was this line of cloud that hailed the most on us. It's also really cool looking.

Only AFTER we go through the hail do I see the
characteristic tint to the clouds.  Why didn't I just turn?

See that bunch of trees and a few buildings on the right?
That's my town.  I know you're impressed.

Did I insult my town?  My area of the country?  Yes, it's bare.  No, there's never
anything to do.  But you have to admit, it's really pretty - and downright peaceful.
Or should I say serene? You don't ever get to see this much sky in St. Louis!

My Fitness Pal

Have you heard of My Fitness Pal? It's kind of the epitome of weight loss awesomeness.

Maria, my personal trainer, (well, my main one) recommended it, and I was at first skeptical.  I was loath to give up Weight Watchers because I'd had so much success.  I was reluctant even to admit that any other 'plan' might work for me. I was afraid.

And then I made my account, because Maria made me promise I would.  She's good like that - she knows the real meaning of accountability.  I put in my goal of exercise and weight loss, and it told me the recommended Calories, fat, protein, and carbs I should eat per day.  The amazing thing is that when I put those numbers into my Weight Watchers calculator, BAM! 42.  Weight Watchers currently recommends that I eat between 40 and 45 points per day.  The recommendations from My Fitness Pal just happen to fit that.  It was that little glimmer of hope - maybe this will work after all. Maybe I can trust it!

It's been a slow start.  I have yet to track all the food in a day for even three days straight.  But still, I'm giving it time. I'm trusting. 

Plus, it's cool.  They have a huge database of exercises and food (it does all the calculation for me - I just type).  There's an app for my phone.  There's an online community and 'clubs' you can join.  And above all else: IT'S FREE!

Also, they let me put the cool ticker on the bottom of this blog. You can keep track along with me how much weight I've lost since I started anew.  And for the record, I'm technically about 30 pounds down from my very original weight, but I'm tracking online since last week only.  

A schedule and a rant

Now that I'm blogging again, it's time for yet another schedule!

Su: Gratitudes, positive thoughts, and Catch Yourself Being Good.  Non-scale victories.

M: A rant, or complaints.  What's bothering me.

T: random topic

W: Progress check (confessions, if needed) and occasional measurement updates.

Th: Goals, aspirations, and positive things.  Sayings, music, quotes, affirmations, tricks.  Or random.

F: random topic

Sa: weigh-in (and the 'gold standard' of scales will be the one at STL Workout, since mine thinks I can lose 12 pounds in 3 seconds)

And, since it's Monday and I'm in the mood, I'm going to rant… about myself.  I'm weak.  I'm gluttonous.  I failed (twice). I'm ANGRY WITH MYSELF. 

I ate an entire family-size package of pizza rolls.

(In addition to many other large portions of very unhealthy food - chips, pizza, bbq chicken tenders, Oreo Ice Cream pie, a couple candy bars… need I go on?)

NO PIZZA FOR YOU

What is wrong with me?

No, seriously, what the hell is wrong with me? I had a good morning - tired after a crappy nightmare-filled night, yes - but a good morning with Mom, complete with yummy coffee and yogurt with fruit.  Was it the shopping? [Mom practically kidnapped me and dragged me to the store.  Hy-Vee had a coupon fest and each coupon is "per customer."  I'm the second customer. Plus she bought a ton of junk food for Nick.  She does that.]  Was it missing church? [we got there only a couple minutes after when it's supposed to start, but no one was there - they changed it, and mom hadn't heard.] Was it the leftover guilt from the three fast food stops I made on Saturday's drive? [Two burgers, an order of fries, a sub sandwich, some mini donuts, and a sugary coffee.]

AAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

There is no excuse.  I did badly.  Very badly.  But I'm not going to focus on that.  Rant ended, positive outlook for the future engaged.

Today I stayed within my 'Calorie goals' that my new app My Fitness Pal gave me (post about that to come), and I definitely rode my bike [literally] 10 miles.  Let's keep this going, shall we?  

Oh no! Not traveling again!

I'm sitting in my living room trying to buck up the courage… the energy more like… to start driving home.  Nine hours on the road.  Dun dun DUN.

I'm a bit nervous about the challenge of being on the road.  Then there's the even more terrifying aspect of spending a week at home.  However, right now the challenge is turning off the internet tv, finishing packing, and getting the hell out of here before the rain blows in.

But I'm prepared! (At least for today). I packed chicken & veggies for lunch and a peanut butter sandwich for a snack.  Glamorous, I know. Fruit too of course!  So here's my pep talk for myself.  I can do it!  Dinner will be something with lots of vegetables - maybe a chicken wrap and side salad.  I'm going to ride my bike at least three times next week.  I'm going to take a nice walk every other day.  I'm going to choose healthy options at home and even when we inevitably go out to celebrate.  I will either be the DD or else go easy on the alcoholic celebrations.  And I won't feel guilty. :)

Goals!

Now that I'm back 'on the wagon' once more, it's time for some GOALS!  [cue cheering from the audience].  I'm currently at about 290-something.  My scale is being glitchy :( so I don't know for sure.    But that shall not stop me!  Even though I'm fixing to be away for a week, my bike is crammed into my car, my phone has an awesome weight loss app, and I'M READY. The following rewards will not only keep me in a lovely state of debt, but will also keep me motivated.  I mean, come on, those ThinkGeek gadgets have me salivating already.

Short term:

When I get to 285 pounds, I'm going to watch the Avenger's movie (or other movie I want to see) in theaters.

When I get to 280 pounds, I'm going to do something crazy and self-pampering.  For example, I might get my hair cut or my eyebrows waxed.  I might even get a manicure! (gasp!)

Middle:

I hereby give myself permission to buy something - particularly if from ThinkGeek and on the list below) every time I lose 15 pounds.  That means at 275, 260, 245, 230, 215, and 200 I may go on a splurge.

(3) awesome Doctor Who/Firefly/General Geekiness T-shirts (size XL or smaller)

Adipose Plush toy

Harry Potter Proclamation board

Doctor who license plate frame

Heat changing TARDIS mug

42 utility towel

Long term: (for WHEN I make it below that 200 mark).  Hopefully this will be around the time of graduation and the start of fieldwork.

3 more t-shirts (size L or smaller)

Ireland trip - buy the tickets and start making reservations!

Clothes! (scrubs too … you know, because I'll need them for fieldwork.)
An iPad?????

well don't I feel sheepish

Hello!  I'm back.  Again.  Once more.

Otra vez.  De nuevo. Una vez mas.....

Haven't we been here before? Need I go on?

Spring semester is FINALLY over, and I finally have the time to blog. Reading between the lines, you can see that as "I finally have the time to concentrate on my weight again."

So it's a new summer and a new start on this weight loss thing.  I had a rough winter and a rough spring semester, and I'm essentially back to square - well, maybe square three.  I'm sitting at about twenty pounds heavier than the last time I posted, and I'm ready to get back to that feeling.

Quite a few things have happened since then. For one, I joined a gym on my street.  No more excuses about it being too far away.  I also bought some personal training sessions - NO MORE EXCUSES.  Accountability. An ally.  Someone to push me.  What follows is a stream-of-consciousness version of how I've been feeling the last few weeks.

I've already had some ups and downs, but I'm optimistic.  Well, ok, I'm discouraged and disappointed in myself, but also more determined than ever.  Something has clicked, I think: it's just not worth it.  That tortilla with extra cheese and flavored with red pepper hummus, Sarah A's giant whoopie pies, the jar of peanuts just waiting to be munched on continually... THEY ARE NOT WORTH IT.

How stupid is it to think, for the ten seconds I'm enjoying that chocolate pastry from Bread Co (after the soup, sandwich, and drink), or the Crunchwrap Supreme from Taco Bell, that this momentary pleasure is worth more than truly living my life as I'm meant to?  I mean really living life, not just floating through it and hanging out on the sidelines, only participating when Lena pushes me. It's like going to Cancun and hanging out in the hotel room, never hitting the beach.

I'm angry and guilty and letting this all flow out through my keyboard because it needs to.  IT'S JUST NOT WORTH IT. I want a life, damn it, that is worth living. I want a husband who thinks I'm attractive.  I want kids who aren't worried about my health. I want kids, period - because having kids anywhere near this weight is just plain stupid. I want to try on dresses and like what I see.  I want to buy clothes at a regular store, not a store designed for fat women. I want to walk in a room and for once NOT wish I could fade into the background. I want to feel proud of who I am, not only proud of what I've done (there really is a difference).

This isn't willpower.  This isn't motivation.  This is my life.  This is me, not being one of the "enemies of the Cross of Christ... [whose] end is their destruction.  Their God is their stomach; their glory is in their 'shame.'  Their minds are occupied with earthly things" (Philippians 3:18-19). I don't often quote Bible verses.  Actually, outside of Bible study or a conversation with a very close friend, I almost never do.  It makes me feel like I'm shoving false righteousness on others.  But when I read that passage at Bible study the other day, it stuck with me.  Yeah, I know it's probably out of context and slightly misinterpreted.  But if it helps me, why not?

So .... here goes.