Procrastination

I don't want to do step 8.

It calls for a lot of writing and thinking of things past, things I've done and things done to me, and forgiveness. Ah, the healing power of the steps.

I think I'm afraid of this one.  I've been procrastinating on it for weeks.

I'm afraid of the emotions, the process. Even more, I'm afraid of what comes after step 8. I can't help but think about it when I'm writing about step 8.  I don't want to pray for some of these people, don't want to forgive them.  There is a small part of me that wants to hold on to that hurt and that resentment.  It's like I think it makes me special or something, makes me have something that others don't.

But it's making me miserable. 

It's a poison to my day.  It draws me into myself, when I am most happy and content and peaceful when I'm outside my head. I am that tight muscle that resists the flu shot and is sore for a week when a relaxed muscle is not as sore; I am a resistance strong that doesn't want to let this through without a fight.  I don’t want to feel these emotions.  I don't want to let them out.  They're quiet as long as they stay in their little box inside me, only spilling out when I open the lid to take a peek and then snap it shut hard when I see what's inside.

But that little box is getting full, and it's bursting at its seams.  Its contents are festering and fermenting, becoming stronger and more putrid.  They're leaking out.

Open it and clean it out. Throw it out and don't hide things there anymore. Be at peace.

God, please give me the willingness to open this box and bring to light the things that I don't need.  Please relieve me of the fear of them so I can let them go without struggle and be a human being at peace with myself.